Blurred Margins Duet
by xadie
Summary: A first relationship, mutant style. Pairings Bobby/Rogue, Logan/Rogue implied. Er, I think its a songfic. First fanfic - please R&R! Rating reflects very mild language and a short and tasteful sex scene.
1. Tender The Beginning

Tender - The Beginning  
  
Pairing: Bobby/Rogue, Logan/Rogue  
  
Rating: R (I think!)  
  
Summary: Trials and tribulations of a first relationship, mutant style. Post X-2.  
  
Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine, the song lyrics belong to Blur. I'm not making any money out of either (mores the pity!). If you don't know Blur's music, then please try to have a listen. I can highly recommend "Tender" and "No Distance Left To Run". This also owes a huge debt to jenn, some of whose ideas I've explored. Her stories inspired me to have a go.  
  
Archiving: Please ask first. All reviews gratefully received at skeptik@lycos.co.uk ------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Tender is the night,  
  
Lying by your side"  
  
I don't think that I've ever seen anything more beautiful than her sleeping beside me. Sometimes I turn the light on just to watch her, dark eyelashes lying on skin the exact shade and scent of expensive vanilla ice cream. Funny, I never thought that vanilla was that special a flavor - I always preferred mint choc chip. That only lasted until she let me brush my lips across her skin for the first time - so careful, soft-on-soft, so scared she'd run any moment. Breathing in the essence of her, a perfume I want to have with me always. So jealous because I *know* others can smell her far more intensely than I can. I want to wrap up her scent, just for me.  
  
"Tender is the touch,  
  
Of someone that you love too much"  
  
Remembering the first time we made love - the first for us both. Some people want to forget their first time - I try to remember it every day, so it stays clear. Learning to kiss, to feel and to give sensation in return through material so fine I could taste every part of her. Not knowing how warm everything would feel, how naturally it all happens. Liquid and soft and hot like her eyes, her face, her lips telling me she needed me, she wanted me. Never realising until that moment how a person's soul can flow out through their eyes. Sighing against her hair that I loved her, would never hurt her, could never leave. Lying tangled in each other afterwards, daring again to taste her skin, just once more. Falling asleep and never wanting the night to end. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------  
  
"Tender is the day,  
  
The demons go away"  
  
The night I lost my virginity I had the worst nightmare so far. A horrific jigsaw of images and memories - leaving my parents and watching them being dragged away to die, only to find myself underwater and not strong enough to get out, trapped by metal in my body that didn't belong there. I woke up screaming, hot tears shaking my body. Turned to find him awake and holding me, skin cool like a river against me, whispering comfort like the sound of water flowing over rock. Slowly relaxing against him, coming to my senses to see tears in his eyes.  
  
"Lord I need to find,  
  
Someone who can heal my mind"  
  
He doesn't know how much I care for him, how grateful I am to him for standing by me, for never turning away from me the way the other students did. He's my lover, my friend, the brother I never had. Even when he kisses me for too long and I can *feel* him slipping into me, violating my mind again, I trust him and he trusts me. Smiles at me with those eyes the colour of glaciers and tells me that I haven't hurt him, that he'll be ok. I remember brown eyes telling me the same thing. Dangerous hand stroking my hair, smell of leather and cigars and *safety*. Now I look into blue eyes that could never erase the memory of someone that I hold within me closer than my own life, in whose dreams I walk nightly as a different person. But most of the time I am only myself. I feel his love for me and I cherish the days - the nights are too crowded. -------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Tender is the ghost,  
  
The ghost I love the most"  
  
Sometimes she looks out of the window for too long with a half-wistful smile, and I know that she wants to run again. Mostly it doesn't bother me too much, but occasionally I get dark and cold inside, looking at her and seeing him. It twists in me that there is so much of him there and so little of me. Makes me want to force my lips against hers until she takes all I have and I'm inside her forever, like he is. Then she turns to me and smiles all the trust in the world straight into my heart and I melt all over again. She's my angel and I could never hurt her.  
  
"Hiding from the sun,  
  
Waiting for the night to come"  
  
I never saw much point in daylight. A warm summer afternoon leaves me, quite literally, cold. Since we started sharing a bed I can't imagine why any kind of deity would invent such a pointless waste of hours between cool and dark. My foolproof theory of atheism, hmm. I want her to move into my room so that I can devour every detail of her, night after night. I don't want to waste precious moments of twilight or dawn while she gets ready somewhere else. At noon I start counting the hours until dark. Hoping against hope that a certain someone's shrill little voice doesn't pipe up with the suggestion of a film or a club in town. When the door closes to *our* room, I am always inwardly relieved. I wish I wasn't always so afraid she'll run. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------  
  
"Tender is my heart,  
  
I'm screwing up my life"  
  
Sometimes I do still feel it, the urge to run. To shout "fuck off" to the world and stop them all touching me, smothering me. The other voices in my mind get excited then, they feel my anger, my frustration and they draw closer like beggars round a flame. That's when I hate him and his pale eyes and his bloody wrapping me in cotton wool and I just want to tear free, tear him with the metal under my skin. The thought frightens me and I turn away from the window, to see him watching me. I remember what he means to me and I smile at him because he's so kind. And then I wish that I were as good as he is and carefully modulate my attitude for a while. But it always comes back, eventually. The *other* in me.  
  
"Lord I need to find,  
  
Someone who can heal my mind"  
  
I know what the answer is, really. I'll never be the girl he wants me to be, because under the surface I'm something else, not-male-not-female-just- me. I keep half-hoping that he'll suddenly understand the reason that I wear my hair like a badge, a symbol of who I am. But he doesn't. And he'll never be the man I want, because he's a boy inside, and he'll have to hurt a lot and cry and stop crying to become a man. I don't want to watch him do that, don't want to be the one that breaks him inside so that he puts himself together stronger. But since I can't have what I want and he doesn't know what he wants we are happy deluding ourselves. After all, he does love me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------  
  
"Tender is the night,  
  
Lying by your side,  
  
Tender is the touch,  
  
Of someone that you love too much,  
  
Tender is my heart tonight,  
  
I'm screwing up my life,  
  
Lord I need to find,  
  
Someone who can heal my mind" 


	2. No Distance Left to Run The End

No Distance Left To Run - The End  
  
Pairing: Bobby/Rogue, Logan/Rogue Rating: PG-13 (I think!) Summary: Trials and tribulations of a first relationship, mutant style. Post X-2. Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine, the song lyrics belong to Blur. I'm not making any money out of either (mores the pity!). If you don't know Blur's music, then please try to have a listen. I can highly recommend "Tender" and "No Distance Left To Run". This also owes a huge debt to jenn, some of whose ideas I've explored. Her stories inspired me to have a go. Archiving: Please ask first. All reviews gratefully received at xadieother@yahoo.co.uk  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"It's over,  
  
You don't need to tell me"  
  
She's sleeping now, oblivious to me beside her. A cold tear falls on her silk-clad shoulder and she stirs, then settles. Her body, her skin, is flawless, like a sculpture. She's like that inside as well, at least now, at least when it comes to me. Glassy and cold and unresponsive as marble. Oh I know that she's kind, tries never to give it away, and I've always believed her. Until today. My thoughts can't seem to flow; they judder and crash into each other. If only I could stop crying and think properly. I love her.  
  
"Hope you're with someone,  
  
Who makes you feel safe in your sleep"  
  
Earlier, when she screamed and cried, as she always does, I held her, just as I always do. I spoke softly to her, told her how much she means to me. Told her that I want to marry her, to give her children as beautiful as she is. I knew she wouldn't hear me, and when she fell asleep again, curled up like a little girl, I didn't even know if she had acknowledged my presence at all. I wish I could say those things to her in the daylight, but I know she would look at me with something akin to pity. I should have known a year ago. Even on that first night we spent together. Because the nightmares didn't stop when she was with me.  
  
"Then tonight,  
  
I won't kill myself trying to stay in your life,  
  
I got no distance left to run"  
  
It took one moment of blinding certainty to unmake all of my tentative castles in the air. One moment to ruin a year of quiet hopes and happy little thoughts. I'd give anything to take that moment back. It seems important that I'd rather take back one moment of reality than a whole year of self-delusion. This time yesterday I was sleeping fitfully, full of nerves for our first mission ahead. Every time I woke up, every damn time, I saw her beside me and felt.... safe.  
  
"When you see me,  
  
Please turn your back and walk away"  
  
I don't know if I can see her after tomorrow morning. She won't understand, won't know what's changed. I don't know if I can look at her face if she cries, knowing that *I've* done it. I've never made her cry before. But I can't tell her why I'm ending things, why we'll have just had our last night together. This time I have to be the bad guy, I owe her that much. Because I can't make her feel guilty. It would take her longer to deal with things if I told her the truth, and I love her too much to want her to be unhappy. But what if she just looks up at me, those big eyes registering nothing but acceptance, and worst of all, pity? What if she feels sorry for me for thinking that I could ever reach the untouchable girl? I'm seriously considering running after this, until I get used to the idea that she won't ever be mine again. Probably for the rest of my life, then.  
  
"I don't want to see you,  
  
'Cos I know the dreams that you keep,  
  
Is where we meet"  
  
I just don't believe that I was blind for so long. The nightmares were the key, the whole time. Even when she stopped waking up crying about concentration camps, even when all the others faded away, there was always *him*. It was always the lab - the knives, the champagne, the metal under her skin. And I *know* that she could have forgotten that too, if she wanted to. But she nursed him close to her, like a secret addiction, and she wouldn't let him go. Not like me, my fragile little wisp went out of her a long time ago. And today, on our all important first mission, when the worst thing that I could possibly imagine happens, and she gets hurt, and I'm fighting and can't run to her, she doesn't even look for me. Oh no. She calls for him. She calls for him so quietly that I can barely hear her and he turns in a heartbeat, and suddenly the world has slowed down and I can see everything with crystal clarity. And I'm still fighting and he slashes his opponent into about forty pieces and he's running to her, smooth like honey, fluid in a way I'll never be. And she looks up at him and I *know*. The scales fall from my eyes and all I can see is him checking her like she's the most important thing in the world, like there isn't a battle going on all around and we're not fighting for our lives. Then he picks her up and she rests her head on his shoulder like a little girl being carried to bed. And she doesn't look for me.  
  
'When you're coming down think of me,  
  
I got no distance left to run'  
  
So now I can't stop crying. Tomorrow I'm going to leave you, my love, because I'm too selfish not to be the only one you look for in a crowd. You are my first thought when I wake up and my last thought when I sleep. Your perfume suffuses my being and I can't imagine waking up without you. Now I just want to lie beside you and enjoy the too-few hours until dawn. I can't fight to be with you any more because I haven't got the energy for such a one sided battle. Happy Anniversary, my angel. -------------------------------------------------------  
  
"It's over,  
  
I knew it would end this way"  
  
So this is it. I always knew that it would come to this eventually, we both did, and maybe I was a fool to let things go on like they did. But now its really the end, and maybe I'm not quite ready to let go. He's sleeping now, that little wrinkle in his brow that I used to touch gently with the tip of my finger while he was dreaming. If it were up to me I'd let things go on longer, wind down gently, drift apart. But I don't think its up to me anymore. His *face* when he got on board the jet, hurt and scared and with more blood on it than I ever wanted him to see in his life. Watching as someone else checked me over, picked me up, strapped me on *his* lap as we took off. Took off that all-important glove and smiled into my eyes as he healed me as only *he* can. Dropping his hand from my face as we both closed our eyes and slept all the way home.  
  
"I hope you're with someone that makes you feel,  
  
That this life is a lie"  
  
So here I am, looking at my first boyfriend, after a year of playing happy families. We have both survived extreme circumstances, fought side by side and lived to tell the tale. I should be happy, and in a way I am. But in my dark heart of hearts I know that its only because I have even more of the other now, and not just because he healed me. That touch told me much more than is strictly good for my ego, and all night I have hugged myself, smelling leather and cigar clinging to my hair like an invisible mist.  
  
"Someone who settles down,  
  
Stays around,  
  
Spends more time with you"  
  
One day you'll find someone perfect, sugar. I'm not that person - I'm so far from perfect it'd take the jet just to get me anywhere near. You need, you *deserve* a person that thinks the world of you, that puts you first and never wavers in their devotion. And that person is out there, I promise, because you are just too good to be wasted. There's no way on this earth that you are meant to be alone, and when you look into your children's eyes you'll know that this is the way things are meant to be. Just as I know that when I run tomorrow, I won't be alone.  
  
"I got no distance left to run,  
  
I'm coming home"  
  
And now I'm crying, hot tears on your cool chest. And I never once told you that I love you, even though I do.  
  
THE END  
  
So, what do you think? Please let me know, I need to know whether I'm wasting my time trying to write this stuff! All feedback answered with thoughtful replies (if you want!) 


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